Oh Shit! Written By: Matdeception Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma ½, Rumiko Takahasi does. Nor do I own A!MG, Married with Children, Godzilla, or Sailor Moon. They are owned by their respective creators and/or publishers. I make no money in anyway from this piece of fiction, so please do not sue as I have very little money, and you would only be wasting your own. Authors Notes: A small chapter, yes I know. This is my 'slap stick' comedy fic, and it is not meant to be taken seriously. I needed something to get my mind off real life issues, as well as off of certain other fics which shall remain nameless. In either case, next chapter should hold more, and it should also have less comedy than this chapter does. In fact it could get pretty serious. No matter, I hope you enjoyed this and I also look forward to any C&C I might receive from you concerning this at Narkanarka@hotmail.com Bye. Chapter One - Shit, meet the fan. *** Ranma blinked as three beams of light tore through the sky. Nearby a bird cawed meekly, and then fell from the sky, dead. Across the street a man in a tuxedo, wearing a top hat and wielding a cane, cried out in pain as he was run over, repeatedly, by an Ice cream van with a rather insidious looking Clown head on top. On closer inspection, Ranma noticed a few multicolored fuku's stuck to the fender. Akane cried out in dismay, "I forgot you're lunch Ranma! I worked so hard on it!" All the signs were there, and Ranma just knew his day was going to turn to shit. "Hey Akane, I got some feelings..." Akane blushed slightly; he isn't trying to tell her he cared for her? Maybe even loved her is he? "Oh... what feelings... are.. you.." she simply couldn't finish her statement, and hoped her hands were hiding the growing blush on her cheeks. "Feeling like death warmed over, something..." 'How dare he trick me into thinking he was about to confess his love like this!' Akane growled angrily, "RANMA NO BAKA!" as she swung her mallet. "Huh?" PUNT Ranma shrugged, the pain from Akane's strikes has been pretty much nil, at least since he recovered from that horrible battle with Saffron all those months ago. Still, as he continued his accent he wondered about a few things. 'What were those lights? Who was that poor slob that got run over? Why is Godzilla attacking the Tokyo Tower again?' he shrugged at that, wishing he had some popcorn to go with the view. It's a once and a lifetime opportunity to see the King of Monsters use the tower like a toothpick. Very entertaining. *** The Dark Lord Peggy roared in abject fury and pain, stray wisps of demonic energy encircling and dancing across her form. From the painful twists and turns her body was experiencing, it was pretty easy to note she was NOT having a good time of this. 'This sucks' cursed the demon. She had just sat down on her couch of demon bile and turned on her favorite show, Opera, when everything went to hell. No pun intended. At first it started with her Show. Opera, whom she had cursed to live the rest of her life as an obese slug of a woman, suddenly started thinning out! The rate, at which she lost weight suggested either some god awful powerful demon, or Kami, had dispelled her curse. The only other explanation she could think of, which shouldn't be possible, was for herself to some how lose power within that dimension, meaning with out her presence the curses were cut off from their power source, and thus were doomed to fade away within hours, or moments depending on the power of the curse. Bud, the only Incubus ever to retain his virginity until he tricked his own sister into sleeping with him, raised an eyebrow at his mothers' screams of pain and torment. She looked like her body was being eating from the inside out by mutant lice, or Kelly, the only Succubus to have a worse reputation than all other succubus's combined, was force feeding her home made bon bon's. Either way, it had to hurt. "Eh, mom? Something wrong?" "AARRRAGGHRARRAHGG" screamed Peggy, her voice portraying nothing but pain and torment. Needless to say, Bud didn't care, so he shrugged it off as her time of the month and left the room. He might have actually cared at some point, but being a demon meant he could be a callous son of a bitch. Besides, it wasn't like she was going to die, and if she was he could expect a promotion. Being an Incubus was nice and all, but one actually had to have sex to be successful in such a position. Had he stayed just a few moments longer, he would have noticed a dark portal opening and sucking his mother off to devil knows where. He wouldn't have cared, but he would at least have noticed. *** Sweet Tooth grinned maliciously as he fled the Tokyo Police, his mission finally accomplished. He took out a beat up note pad from his clown suit, check marking 'Tuxedo Kamen' off his list of people who needed to die. It had been a rather long and drawn out affair. Oh, Moon was the easiest. Hell, that dumb bitch had come up to HIM! Well, one snow cone laced with enough cyanide to kill an elephant took care of that! Of course Mars, Jupiter, and Uranus had gone off the deep end. Thankfully Neptune, Saturn, Mercury, and Venus were too shocked to move at that moment. It was tricky running them over, all spread out like that. In the end he had to jack knife his van to take out Venus and Neptune. That's when that little bitch Saturn started crying! Well, a few missiles later shut her ass up! Mercury too! Uranus had been by far the hardest, especially since she had that damn car. Too bad she never heard of the Twisted Metal tournament, because despite how fast and tough a car is, it can't stop dual miniguns shooting out Dragon Fire incinerary rounds for long. Note: Magically endowed Fuku's are nice and all, but they don't do jack shit to protect you from bullets.. or bombs.. or barrels of acid.. well, not for long anyway. Sweet Tooth reminded himself he had gone a little overboard on Uranus, but the dyke deserved it! Mars and Jupiter were much fun, hiding at that pathetic little Shrine. They had run away from him after Uranus got mowed down. It was okay though; thanks to his lady friend he had planted bombs all around the place long before he ever began this cleansing. Looking in the rear view mirror, Sweet Tooth's eyes gleamed viciously. In his sights were various squad cars, the remains of a few pedestrians he had just run over out of spite, and a Giant Mushroom cloud signaling his Nuclear Bomb had just gone off. Ah, that was easy! Still, he had killed them all hadn't he? Mercury, Venus, Moon, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, Uranus, and stick bitch. But weren't they based on a planetary type of thing? If that's the case, aren't there 9 planets? 10 targets including moon. Well he only killed 9.. A woman, dressed up and looking strikingly like a Sweet Tooth wannabe, walked out of the back of the Van, were the ice cream was held (along with various assortments of deadly weapons), taking a seat in the passenger side. "You get them all hunny bunny?" Sweet grinned evilly, ignoring the cow he just hit, what the hell a cow was doing in Japan, he didn't know, nor did he care "Yeah tootsie! I killed em all! Except..." he began looking down trodden.. "Except what?" "Well.. I'm keep thinking I missed one." At the woman's scowl Sweet Tooth hastened his speech, "I know I killed Moon, thanks by the way for the info on that. I never would have guessed some one could be such a retard. Anyway, I got moon with the ice cream, Neptune, and Venus with the Van, Saturn and Mercury with some land to land missiles, Uranus with the Dragon Fire, and Mars and Jupiter with Mr. Happy." She nodded, failing to see who escaped her hunny bunnies wrath, "So? Sounds like you got them all." Then she scowled again, "What about that Tuxedo Dork?" He waved it off, "Forgot about him, he's dead though. Musta run him over 30 times. Heh, I would have made sure, but some whore had just smacked her guy, sent his ass flying literally. Kinda distracted me.." "So? You got everyone I told you too, who could you have possibly missed?" "Hmm... Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, Uranus.. PLUTO" he screamed, just realizing that there was one left, and possibly still alive. Well, that wouldn't do. The woman giggled softly at first, then she out right laughed! "You idiot! I'm Pluto!" and it was indeed Sailor Pluto, aka Setsuna Meioh, "I've told you this a hundred times! How the hell did you think I knew how and where you could kill all the oth.." Any further words from Setsuna died on her lips, well.. the pump action shotgun that had just fired off in her face did that. Her body slumped slightly, before Sweet Tooth kicked it out the open passenger door. Riding off into the distance, the sun setting directly in front of him, Sweet Tooth popped a fudgecicle in his mouth while sighing contently, "Another job well done." He would miss Setsuna, she was the best piece of ass.. well.. the only piece of ass he had ever gotten. But he had made a vow to her, a vow to kill off ALL the Senshi. She really should have made sure in the beginning that she wasn't to be included in the slaughter. Ah well, live and learn. *** Kami-sama kicked the computer in rage, "Damnit! Stop back talking to me and cancel that wish!" Some words appeared on the screen, seeming to reply to Kami-sama's verbal request, "I'm sorry, we are currently unable to comply with you're wish. Please, try again in a few minutes." Kami growled. A few minutes? In a few minutes the whole of reality for that universe will end due to that screwed up wish! Only Ranma, and that Demon Lord Peggy, were going to escape the destruction for sure! Damn that Mara to hell for this! Skuld kept throwing rice at Kami-sama, for it was so obvious some super demon had taken over his body and was now going to try and use it to destroy the Yggdrasil system! Honestly, Kami-sama doesn't growl, he most assuredly doesn't have steam pouring out of his ears when he gets mad, and it's for damn sure he doesn't curse. She was going to need help if there was any possible way to save her father's life. *** Three times, in three different places, with three drastic wishes all some how involving one Saotome Ranma, with one wish also effecting the Demon Lord Peggy, two words were spoken in accordance to the laws of the universe. The very same laws that state 'Ranma Saotome shall always lead a fucked up life.' "Wish Granted' *** Back in Heaven, Kami had laid the holy smack down on Skuld when she tried to 'purify' him with red wine, and a big ass hammer smack to the head. She was currently resting some were in Asgard. That bitch slap had sent her pretty far.. hell; she might even land in the real Hell at her rate of ascent. Finally, with all the distractions gone he can cancel this damn wish and save the Universe! All in a day's work. Just as he turned back to the computer to enter in the cancel command, the computer chimed out 'Wish Granted. Commencing wish. Have a nice day." Kami-sama's scream could be heard through out the heavens, his secretary making sure to write down the actual words Kami had used. It's not everyday the God of all Creation goes on a bitch fit, besides.. it's prime gossip material. *** To be continued..